HUMOR HAVEN

THE GHOST VAN

Title: THE GHOST VAN OF 213

Horror-Comedy Screenplay

FADE IN:

EXT. CASCADE HIGHWAY 213 – RAINY NIGHT – 2010

Yes, I wrote out an entire song for this purely for entertainment Red Witch tried to get the original tune synced with the lyrics, but it didn't quite work. But what did come out became more original than intended.

The Following is: What you’re doing with those sheep.

[Intro]

(One, two, three, four!)

Imagine this: A 28-year-old in a Cambridge hoodie is sitting in a dark room at 1:30 AM. Behind them, a single candle is dripping wax "artistically" down a skull. On-screen text: "Is my PhD in gay frogs and lesbian seagulls research getting canceled by Gen Z?"

If this pisses you off, the problem is you

Welcome. You’ve officially shuffled into the hall of existential identity clarification. If you’re offended, that was probably the point—allegedly. Just so we’re clear, we don’t do apologies here. Anyone saying "sorry" on our behalf isn't a Druan, so their olive branch is basically a twig from a dead tree. Ignore them.

Now that the air is cleared...

The Wickan Gift Shop

February 20, 2026

Open Letter to the Board of (whomever)

Dear Esteemed Members of the Board,

We come not to summon storms, but to submit paperwork — requesting that our concepts of spirituality, intelligent design, and our holy communion of heavy metal music, pizza, beer, and the occasional strippers for our barbarian-clad Druish adherents be granted equal attention and consideration as a legitimate alternative theory and cultural hypothesis.

No lightning bolts. Just documentation.